My dearest J,
I want nothing more than to change my failings in the past so you wouldn’t have to go through so much pain again.
I want nothing more than to prevent the things I’ve done in the past without thinking. I was so naive, so innocent, so inconsiderate to you. I was so careless, I didn’t even think that I was doing anything wrong. All the lies, which I thought to myself were truths, all the actions done without considering how it would affect you. I just want to take them all back; I want to take away the hurt you’re feeling because of me. You deserve none of that.
In the process of getting to know myself and long fucking process of realizing my love for you, you’ve gotten hurt again and again, and you’ve shown nothing but grace and patience and forgiveness for me. You really don’t deserve any of the hurt I’ve cause, and I don’t deserve you, at least not yet.
I know that you’re the only one that I want, the only one I think about from day till night, the only one I want to talk to forever, and my day feels incomplete without having talked to you. I want to take back all the words I’ve said to you that have had you thinking a false impression of who I am, all the “first times”, all the “things I haven’t done” or “things I don’t do” etc. etc. I want to remove that image of me inside my head as well, because I’m so disappointed in myself every I find out otherwise from things that I’ve done in the past that I didn’t even think was important enough to remember. I want to stop building myself up for you through my words. I just want you to see me for who I am, my ugly and messed up self.
I’ve done some self-reflection, and here’s who I really am, I’m scared to be alone, I’ve sought validation from others & done things without thinking just to make sure that I fit in and I won’t be someone that would disappoint, like all the shit with the workmate. Maybe I felt that kind of validation from the workmate in the past, but I’m so ashamed that I’ve disregarded all the advice of my closest friends because of her. I’ve dug deep within myself, all that I’ve ever had for the workmate was an interest/crush that I’m sure, and that interest was long gone way before you came into my life and I decided to pursue you. I’m going to stop denying that she didn’t use to be a close friend, I used to see her as a close friend, similar to the Ates, not anymore though. I cut her off, knowing that she was someone going against our relationship, and I don’t have any regrets doing so.
When it comes to love. You are my first love, I promise you that, you are my first kiss, I’m happy that you’re the one I gave myself to, you’re someone I want to keep doing life with and I want to have so many more adventures with you, I want you in my life, and I want to make sure you feel loved and safe and I want you to never doubt my feelings for you ever, I know all the stupid, naive shit I’ve done in the past and sometimes the way I can’t express myself doesn’t help. But I’m confident in myself towards my feelings for you. I’m learning how to love you right, and sometimes I might not be listening properly and I’m sorry.
I love you with all my heart. I want to keep choosing you every day and always. I want to become the type of man who is confident enough in himself to be able to do that, and I’m sorry it’s taking so long. I’m trying. I want to see you happy and smiling always. I want to hear you laughing again at the most mundane of things.
I don’t know how to close this off.
I’m so sorry, J, for everything. But thank you, as well, for everything. Mahal na mahal kita. Please drink water po.
– Your Daley
(if you ever read this, please let me know if you want it taken down since it has your name in it po. i really miss you po, and i’m sorry ulit)
regarding this week: it was good up until the weekend then it became meh because of me, hayst.
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